Animal Crackers: Paddy and the Oysters

Paddy was a young and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Every day, he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local fish store. He was a man of regular habits who always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the police to report him missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. The headline the next day in the Irish Times: Oysters Kilpatrick.

The Penguins and the Policeman

A policeman spotted a car weaving down the road. He looked through his binoculars and saw hundreds of penguins crammed into the car, climbing all over the driver. He pulled the driver over and told him he was citing him for unlawful possession of animals.

The driver explained that he was on his way to the zoo with them.

"Alright then," the cop said, "I'll let you off. So long as you are taking them directly to the zoo."

The next day the same policeman saw the same car weaving along the road. Sure enough, the car was once again filled to the brim with penguins. He stopped the driver.

"I thought you said you were taking these penguins to the zoo?"

"I did. Today we're goin' down the pub."

Animal Crackers: The Parrot & The Auction

A sailor went to an auction and saw a beautiful parrot. He bid $10. Then someone else bid $20. The sailor raised his bid to $25, but someone else bid $30. The sailor bid $35, but someone else bid $40. Determined to buy the bird, the sailor bid $50. This time there were no other bids, and the parrot was sold to the sailor.

"That's a lot of money I paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Animal Crackers: Ice Fishing

It was a bitterly cold day in Saskatchewan. A man went fishing and cut a hole in the ice. 2 hours later, he still hadn't caught anything. Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby, and proceeded to catch fish after fish.

Eventually the man went over to the boy and said, "I've been here for hours and haven't caught one fish. You come along, and in 30 minutes catch at least ten! What's your secret?"

The boy chortles and replies, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"What?!"

The boy repeated, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"I'm sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said, " You have to keep the worms warm!"

Animal Crackers: The Fish Shop

A man went into a fish shop carrying a trout under his arm, and asked, " Do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes sir, we certainly do. The best in the city."

"Good," said the man. "It's his birthday."