Animal Crackers: Paddy and the Oysters

Paddy was a young and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland. Every day, he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local fish store. He was a man of regular habits who always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the police to report him missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard. The headline the next day in the Irish Times: Oysters Kilpatrick.

The Penguins and the Policeman

A policeman spotted a car weaving down the road. He looked through his binoculars and saw hundreds of penguins crammed into the car, climbing all over the driver. He pulled the driver over and told him he was citing him for unlawful possession of animals.

The driver explained that he was on his way to the zoo with them.

"Alright then," the cop said, "I'll let you off. So long as you are taking them directly to the zoo."

The next day the same policeman saw the same car weaving along the road. Sure enough, the car was once again filled to the brim with penguins. He stopped the driver.

"I thought you said you were taking these penguins to the zoo?"

"I did. Today we're goin' down the pub."

Animal Crackers: The Parrot & The Auction

A sailor went to an auction and saw a beautiful parrot. He bid $10. Then someone else bid $20. The sailor raised his bid to $25, but someone else bid $30. The sailor bid $35, but someone else bid $40. Determined to buy the bird, the sailor bid $50. This time there were no other bids, and the parrot was sold to the sailor.

"That's a lot of money I paid for this bird," said the sailor to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Animal Crackers: Ice Fishing

It was a bitterly cold day in Saskatchewan. A man went fishing and cut a hole in the ice. 2 hours later, he still hadn't caught anything. Then a young boy came along, cut a hole in the ice nearby, and proceeded to catch fish after fish.

Eventually the man went over to the boy and said, "I've been here for hours and haven't caught one fish. You come along, and in 30 minutes catch at least ten! What's your secret?"

The boy chortles and replies, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"What?!"

The boy repeated, "Roo raf roo reep ra rurms rarm."

"I'm sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat a wad of ugly brown slime into his hand and said, " You have to keep the worms warm!"

Animal Crackers: The Fish Shop

A man went into a fish shop carrying a trout under his arm, and asked, " Do you make fish cakes?"

"Yes sir, we certainly do. The best in the city."

"Good," said the man. "It's his birthday."

Animal Crackers: Bob the Bunny

One morning, Bob the Bunny escapes from a science lab.

He sees some other rabbits in a neighboring field and bounds over to them: "Hey guys, I've lived in a lab all my life. Can you show me what bunnies in the wild do?"

"Sure." they reply."We like to eat fresh carrots. Wanna try some?"
"Okay" So Bob hops over and munches down with the others.

After awhile he asks, "So, what else do bunnies do?"
"Well, when we get tired of carrots, we head over to the lettuce patch. Wanna come?"
"Sure," says Bob and hops over and indulges further.

"Wow, guys, lettuce is great."
"Glad you like it, bro, now let's go see what's in the next field."
"Man, I'd love to," says Bob, "but I gotta get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette!"

Animal Crackers: Big Fish, Small Fish

Two friends, Colin and Joe, were in a restaurant and they both ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.

Colin said, "Go ahead, Joe, help yourself."

"Right", said Joe, and quickly helped himself to the larger fish.

After a bit of a tense silence, Colin blurted out, "You know, Joe, if you had offered
me first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"

"Well then," replied Joe, "what are you complaining about? That's what you got, didn't you?"

Animal Crackers: The Preacher & The Parrot

A preacher walks into a pet store and is drawn to a beautiful parrot. He decides to buy it.

"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asks the preacher.

"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.

"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."

Sure enough, when the preacher gently tugs the strings, the parrot performs beautifully.

"Marvelous!" says the preacher, "What happens if you pull both strings?"

The parrot screeches: "I fall off my perch, you fool!"

Animal Crackers: One Smart Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day, when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"Dumb dog," he says. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops it on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. But who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it up, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner curses at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," says the butcher.

"No, he's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Animal Crackers: The Carpet-Layers Dilemma

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he couldn't find his cigarettes. He checked all his pockets, then, looking back across the room, he saw a tell-tale lump under the freshly laid carpet.

"Aw jeez. Not again!" Then, figuring there was no sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he pulled out his hammer and flattened the hump with one blow.

As he was collecting his tools, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found these in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet..."

Animal Crackers: An Exceptional Race Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE-OOP!' really loudly, right in the horse's ear. Provided you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad, but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee-oop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''Fine, I'll do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

After the race, the trainer strides over, fuming, and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse! What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''