Animal Crackers: One Smart Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day, when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"Dumb dog," he says. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops it on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. But who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it up, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the pup home. The dog enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner curses at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," says the butcher.

"No, he's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Animal Crackers: The Carpet-Layers Dilemma

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he couldn't find his cigarettes. He checked all his pockets, then, looking back across the room, he saw a tell-tale lump under the freshly laid carpet.

"Aw jeez. Not again!" Then, figuring there was no sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he pulled out his hammer and flattened the hump with one blow.

As he was collecting his tools, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found these in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet..."

Animal Crackers: An Exceptional Race Horse

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE-OOP!' really loudly, right in the horse's ear. Provided you do that, you'll be fine.'' The jockey thinks the trainer is mad, but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee-oop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''Fine, I'll do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

After the race, the trainer strides over, fuming, and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse! What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''